How To Get Married In Seven Easy Steps — Or, how to make more money on your writing. Take your pick.

I explained to my husband, who is not a writer,

My husband, Harrie, checking out
De Nachtwacht at the
Rijksmuseum in Amsterdam.
Photo by Michelle Teheux

how many writers make bank telling other writers how to make bank. Are the writers who tell other writers how to make more money making any more money than the rest of us? Or are they making a little bit of money writing and a lot more money telling everyone else how to make more money writing? If I had a dime for every course, ebook and video that has promised to teach me how to make more money with my writing, I wouldn’t need to make any money with my writing. I could sit back and write bad poetry about my dogs all day. 

My husband has a recording studio in our attic. He makes about as much money recording music as I make writing, but he says he sees endless courses and ebooks and videos about how to make more money with a home studio. He got my point immediately. 

I have been a writer my whole life. I subscribed to Writer’s Digest when I was 14. I was the editor of a daily newspaper until a hedge fund starved it to death. Since then, I’ve written a whole slew of novels, SEO, radio advertising and video scripts, blogs for various businesses, corporate newsletters, social media content of all sorts, magazine pieces and so, so much more. I’ve remained oddly poor throughout this process. 

 

And as I’ve written and written and written, there’s been one constant: There is always someone telling me I can make more money copywriting or novel writing or Medium writing if I simply Do These Five Things or learn The No. 1 Way To Make Your Work Stand Out. Or I could get a plum corporate copywriting job if I would simply follow This Easy Method Of Standing Out On LinkedIn. 

The first thing, I am told, is to believe I can do it. Have a positive attitude! Work harder, but also smarter! Hey, you in the front: You do not look positive! Look more positive! 

What we are seeing here, ladies and gentlemen, is survivor bias. We have all been told all our lives that if we did what we loved, the money would follow. We fervently believed in ourselves, our talents and our work ethic. To make our dreams come true, we needed only to keep believing in ourselves, to keep working hard — and to take someone’s course. Like magic, all our positive feelings and dreams would morph into dollars in our bank account. 

The people for whom this has worked out truly believe they’re where they are because they wanted it bad enough and tried hard enough and believed in themselves. They have survivor bias, and are completely unaware that many others put forth similar efforts but didn’t luck out ... because almost nobody other than me will come right out and admit that we’re not making much money. Instead, people slink off and feel bad about themselves. 

I’m not doing that, because you know what? I still believe in myself. It’s the system I don’t believe in. 

So listen up and I’ll tell you what hardly anyone ever tells you: Hard work and talent aren’t that rare. Luck is.

I thought I was one of the only people who had realized this. If you go to places like LinkedIn and social media, you will never, ever hear that hard work and talent sometimes go nowhere. It was such a revelation to me that I wrote a book (not published yet, but soon) called The Trailer Park Rules about a lot of people who are poor for all different reasons. The main character is a failed business writer who comes to this realization. 

You know where I finally found people who talk about the luck factor? Right here, baby. Several other writers — people with whom I have quite a bit in common — said that yes, they make a little or a lot of money on Medium, and that part of it is that they post consistently and they learned SEO and they followed certain best practices — but that a good bit of their success is simply luck and they know it. 

What a goddamn relief, honestly. I’m probably not doing anything wrong after all. I can keep working hard and trying my best, but there’s no reason to think I’m just lacking one particular ingredient in the special sauce. 

So I’m not going to bullshit you about how to make more money writing. Enough others have done that. Follow their advice or don’t; it probably doesn’t matter either way. Some of the advice is actually very good, but if you’ve been diligently working at this for a while, you have probably already started doing all the right things already. 

Instead, I’ve decided to offer a course on getting married. I’m an unsuccessful writer, but I’m a helluva good wife, and I’ve had quite a few marriage proposals through the years, so if it weren’t for bigamy laws, I could be married to a whole harem right now. That, folks, is what a master husband-attractor I am. This is my skill, and I will now pass it onto you. 

How To Get Married: The Teheux Plan 

1. I recommend you import a man from a foreign country. I chose the Netherlands, but you could also choose Australia, as that accent is also sexy. I have already personally checked out all the American men, and I can tell you we are fresh out of good ones. What with various supply chain issues, start looking right now if you want a new husband in time for Christmas. 

2. Have a friend with foreign relatives. This worked for me, so it will absolutely work for you. My friend Jeanette’s grandmother is Dutch, and Jeanette spent many childhood summers in the Netherlands. She didn’t know it, but this was all cosmically arranged by the universe so that someday, when her relative Harrie came over to the U.S. in 2004 to visit his American relatives, she could introduce him to me. You say you don’t have a friend with foreign relatives? Sigh. That does not sound very positive to me. You have to make an effort here. Come on. Believe in yourself! 

3. Don’t make the mistake of thinking you need to be young, hot, childless or wealthy to attract a man. What worked for me was being nearly 40, overweight, with two kids just about to hit the teen years and — this is important! — a low-paying newspaper job. I would advise you to get a couple of teenage kids and gain some weight. If you are making a lot of money, quit that job and do something you love that pays practically nothing. You will be fighting men off with sticks in no time. Men dig women with some miles on them. This worked for me, therefore, it definitely will work for you. I will not listen to any protests. 

4. Conduct your courtship over Yahoo Chat. You say Yahoo Chat doesn’t exist anymore? That might technically be true, but I can hear your negativity loud and clear, and so will every man you might want to date. Stop making excuses. This toxic negativity is your exact problem. Sheesh. No wonder nobody wants to marry you. 

5. You must fly to the country where this man lives, and at least twice a year, he must fly to visit you. You say you are poor? Pish posh. I stayed positive and lucked into, I mean manifested, a round-trip ticket from O’Hare to Amsterdam for under $300. This was not luck. This was the universe responding to my belief in myself. I’ve never again managed to manifest such a cheap flight, which is odd. You’d think it would work every time. 

6. Always remember that you make your own luck. So after two years of trans-Atlantic courtship, it’s time to take the plunge and get married. Perhaps, like my husband, your guy had recently poured his entire net worth into starting a business. No matter. It’ll be fine! Oddly, an old sports injury flared into a bone infection and my new husband could not walk during our wedding. He was on IV antibiotics for weeks. The universe has its reasons. We are not meant to know everything. Stop questioning the universe! Anybody would think you didn’t trust me, even though I am an expert on marriage.  

7. You should probably be nice to your new husband occasionally. This is controversial, but I believe it helps. Don’t go overboard. You don’t want to spoil him. 

So there you have it. I hope you’ve enjoyed this free course. I’ll be monetizing it very soon. I am absolutely positive I’m going to make bank with this. I know it!